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Lots of words of wisdom on Muttr tonight! Keep em coming :)

My dick of a boss keeps texting me while i'm drugged up with kidney stones. LET ME f***ING REST. I'M ON SO MANY PAINKILLERS AND YOU WANT ME TO WRITE LESSON PLANS?!?

Let me define sex with you. I will squeeze that ripe peach of yours till you puree into my mouth. Then I'm gonna eat your p**** like a watermelon. I can see your dripping wet baby girl don't be shy but I must ask why does your p**** smell like french fries? Are they curly fries? Are they seasoned with sea salt? Cause your making my trouser snake morph into a hawk. I'm gonna slither in and out like a meerkat on the range. Doesn't this fantasy just keep getting strange. I promi... read more

Laughter the cure to all life's problems

Jesus was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains
and I had to eat him

Continue with fan-fictions they are hilarious

You are a beautiful human being worthy of love, kindness and respect. Remember that always. Do not forget that you are not alone. You are a guiding light to those who look up to you. There is good in everything bad because for every bad thing, there has to be something good to counteract it. Remember this :- every action has an equal and opposite reaction. See kids, physics does teach you something ;) So if you project kindness and do the right thing, that will return to you ... read more

Woah, calm down with the fanfictions!

You are a beautiful human being worthy of love, kindness and respect. Remember that always. Do not forget that you are not alone. You are a guiding light to those who look up to you. There is good in everything bad because for every bad thing, there has to be something good to counteract it. Remember this :- every action has an equal and opposite reaction. See kids, physics does teach you something ;) So if you project kindness and do the right thing, that will return to you ... read more

You are a beautiful human being worthy of love, kindness and respect. Remember that always. Do not forget that you are not alone. You are a guiding light to those who look up to you. There is good in everything bad because for every bad thing, there has to be something good to counteract it. Remember this :- every action has an equal and opposite reaction. See kids, physics does teach you something ;) So if you project kindness and do the right thing, that will return to you ... read more

Valentines day is coming up...another year I won't be celebrating. :(

I have no idea what I want to do.
I'm thinking of signing up for track and field at my school. However I have never joined a sport before, and I'm worried that I'll only hate myself in the end. I keep worrying like, what if I can't go through with this? What if I'm just not cut out for it. I'm not even sure if I'm the athletic type? I know I'm a fast runner when I try, I just usually avoid it because I sweat like crazy. I just know I really wanted to join a sport sometime eve... read more

You cannot propel yourself forward
By patting yourself on the back

You are a beautiful human being worthy of love, kindness and respect. Remember that always. Do not forget that you are not alone. You are a guiding light to those who look up to you. There is good in everything bad because for every bad thing, there has to be something good to counteract it. Remember this :- every action has an equal and opposite reaction. See kids, physics does teach you something ;) So if you project kindness and do the right thing, that will return to you ... read more

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-a** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The ent... read more

IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with ... read more

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come f*** me v... read more

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f***ing safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f***ing head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She pry's off t... read more

Shots of whiskey for the loneliness. My faith is fading the more and more that I go towards the unknown. I feel your pain. I feel the same. Oh will this fade away?

Sticks and stones will break my bones
But whips and chains excite me!